I started this blog as an emotional outlet for myself. I have never been one to voice my emotions much so I am hoping that this blog can be a positive way for me to share my feelings and experiences that can hopefully benefit you in some way. I am a momma with a heavy, grieving heart and in this blog I will share with you my perspectives on the loss of a child, multiple miscarriages, and infertility.
I’m a mom too….
This is me, Whitney. I live just 20 minutes from the coast in South Carolina in a small river front town. I was born and raised in this small town and have just moved back in the last year with my husband. I work with children (4/5 year old to be exact) and have a love for animals. I have 3 dogs (Zoey, Gunner, and Sarah Lee) and 1 cat (Juicy). They keep our house entertaining and have been through every high and low point in my life in the last recent years. I always knew that I would be married and have children by 30 but God had other plans for our family. My husband and I have 3 angels in heaven. Two were lost in our first trimester of pregnancy and then we got pregnant a third time (by surprise) in October ’17. This is where the story of this blog begins.
We had already made the decision to look into adoption because we had already lost 2 babies and the pain from that was still very raw. It had also taken us so long to get pregnant both of those times so my doctor had diagnosed me with unexplained infertility. I took a pregnancy test on October 30th and it was instantly positive. I remember the feelings that washed over me. Instead of excitement, I was filled with fear. I remember sobbing to my husband because I was so afraid of what could happen. He cried with me. We decided to put on a brave face and to just pray for a healthy baby. We went to our first appointment at 9 and a half weeks and we saw our baby moving around with a strong heartbeat (172 BPM). Then we made it out of the first trimester and I finally started to let my guard down and let myself fall in love with our baby, our rainbow of hope. At 15 weeks we found out at a private scan that our little baby was a GIRL! I was over the moon. I already knew what her name would be, Ellie Paige. Ellie meant bright shining one and Paige was in memory of an amazing friend from high school that had passed away to early in life. Our 20 week appointment came with no exciting news, everything looked great at our scan. On Friday, March 2nd me and my husband decided to go to hobby lobby to look at nursery decorations. We already had the bedding and crib and now we were ready to start decorating her nursery. Little did I know in the next few hours our lives would be forever changed. We returned home and I got out of the car and felt a huge gush of water. I knew something was wrong. My husband drove as fast as he could to the ER. On March 3rd I delivered our beautiful baby girl. I have never seen a more beautiful sight in my life. She had ten perfect fingers and toes. Her nose was perfect and she had her daddy’s chin. I held her and loved her for hours. I just stared at her because I wanted to remember every perfect detail for as long as I lived.
I may not have gotten to take my daughter home with me after leaving the hospital, but we did have our rainbow baby. Ellie Paige has forever changed our lives. I will spend everyday making her proud and ensuring that I make it to heaven so I can spend eternity with her and our other two babies.
This isn’t the story that I would’ve written for myself but I know God has a plan and Ellie Paige has a special purpose here on this Earth. Through various outlets I know I am not alone in this journey. I am a STRONG women and if you are on this journey (or any journey of motherhood), you are too! I cannot wait to pour my heart out about this journey as I do my best to make Ellie Paige proud and make sure that she is never forgotten as long as I’m on this Earth.
Loving Ellie Paige 