I have been asked this question more times than I can count since losing Ellie Paige. At first I would respond with, “we are managing” or “we are taking it day by day”. Now I just tell the truth because it is easier that way. I don’t want to bottle my emotions up and put on the face that I am fine because the reality is that I am not fine. This sadness, this ache and pain is something I wish no parent would ever have to experience and sadly so many do.
I really am not sure what makes a day “good” or “better” anymore. My life isn’t lived in days anymore, but rather moments. Moments of joy, sadness, grief, happiness, etc . Everyday is now made up of moments good, bad, and sad. If I woke up and spent 30 minutes crying, does that make today a bad day? If I was able to laugh at my niece and take a trip to the grocery store without breaking down, does that make it a good day? What people don’t realize is that every single day I am thinking about Ellie Paige. Every song on the radio, every program on TV, every bird chirping and bee buzzing reminds me of her. My daily life is now just a jumble of so many different feelings and emotions, and that’s okay.
This week has been hard for me. I thought that the grief would become easier and more manageable as time went on but that is not the truth at all. It gets harder and harder with each day that goes by since the last time I held her and saw her face. I know I should be writing about how me and you will get through this and blah, blah, blah but I’m going to be brutally honest. It’s just HARD. It’s hard to breath, get up in the morning, shower, smile, eat, be present, and my list could keep going on. The truth is that this journey is anything but simple and easy. Most days are a haze and I feel so lost without her here with us. This journey doesn’t come with a road map and I’m just living in the moment. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that Ellie Paige is my angel who watches me and there is nothing more that I want out of this life than to make her proud and to make God proud. I will use this journey to share my testimony with others and I pray they will see the work that God is doing through me. I won’t allow the grief of losing Ellie Paige to destroy the bit of life left in me.
Some days may fell like you cannot move forward, and you know you can’t go backwards, but you can feel and be present in the moments of each day. There is nothing wrong with living in the moment.
Loving Ellie Paige 