Who Am I? Still Birth Has Changed Me

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore after losing Ellie Paige. When my daughter died, I turned into a different person. I look in the mirror and no longer see the twinkle of life in my eyes. I look back at a person who is so overcome with sadness that I have to turn away. The sight of my stomach sends me into deep sadness. I have bags developing under my eyes that I have never had before. They should be called “tear bags”. The tear bags explode daily and send me into a crying spell. Worse than that are the emotional changes I am experiencing.

I used to be patient and tolerant of others. I used to smile at everyone no matter where I was. I used to love family gatherings and social events. Now I can barely stand the thought of it. I can’t go to the grocery store without having anxiety or panic. I had to cancel a doctors appointment because I couldn’t get myself together enough just to walk through the doors.  I used to love life, every day of it. Now I find myself just existing on some days.

I find it hard to laugh, and when I do it feels like a fake laugh sometimes. I feel guilty to laugh and enjoy anything. HOW CAN I LAUGH WHEN MY DAUGHTER IS GONE!  I used to love being around children and babies and now I catch the sadness and grief consuming me some days when I am around them.

I ask myself what is wrong with me? Will I ever be the old me again? I don’t think I will ever be the old me again because that person died when Ellie Paige did. That piece of my soul is gone with her. I remember the very moment in time that I was told she was gone. I was in shock. Inside I was screaming and wishing that I was gone with her.  That was the very moment my heart broke. There is no healing a broken heart. EVER. There is no magic glue or fix. It is a daily struggle to wake up and learn how to live again within the brokenness.

But what matters is that I am trying. I am trying to brave through this storm and piece myself back together. I am trying to go back to some type of new “normal”.

The grief and sadness is a like a wall. I guess I hope that one day I will wake up and the wall will have crumbled and I can remember Ellie Paige and all the joy she brought me without breaking down and falling into the hole her death has left in my heart. Just keep faking it until you make it.