10 Things to Never say or do to someone who lost a baby

I truly never imagined we would be walking this road again.  I never imagined losing Ellie Paige after losing two babies to first trimester miscarriages. Grief is such a crazy path and just when  you think you have learned to live with the past it gets shoved back into your life making it feel like a horrible dream. Losing a baby (whether to miscarriage, stillbirth, death after birth,etc.) is really hard for others to understand, especially if they have been lucky enough to never experience it. Just know NOTHING can remove the pain that accompanies such loss. I know it’s a “taboo” subject and as someone who isn’t afraid to discuss my devastating loss I will not apologize for making anyone feel uncomfortable by bringing this loss to light for so many others. I hope this post can help educate others and hopefully help others understand that sometimes the things you say to people experiencing the loss of a child can be incredibly hurtful, even if they are meant to be helpful or kind.  It’s important to remember that no two women’s path is the same during this journey of child loss, what you say may not hurt one person but can hurt another person.
I have selected some things that other women have told me have been said to them. Thankfully all of these things have not been said to me.

So here is my list of 10 Things NEVER to say or do to someone who is grieving the loss of their baby:

1. you shouldn’t avoid them or pretend like it never happened. I understand you may not know what to say but avoiding the couple and pretending their loss/pain never happened makes them feel more invisible or like their baby didn’t matter. Their loss is devastating and it’s important to be there for them and just be a listening ear at all times. I know it can make you uncomfortable, but just imagine how uncomfortable this loss has made them.
2.  “It was just not meant to be.” Would you say this had they lost another family member? It’s just not helpful and can hurt.
3.  “God wanted it this way” or “It is God’s will.” This may be so and it may be that we live in a fallen/sin filled/wicked world where death is apart of it but words like this minimize their pain and grief and is completely irrelevant to helping heal in their loss.
4.  “There will be more chances” or “you’re young, you can try again”. REALLY? The child they lost to death was loved beyond words and their whole entire world. That child will NEVER be replaced with another child. The pain of losing that child will never go away even after having another child. A piece of their soul will forever be missing. Also, no one knows what the future holds. This statement could be untrue.
5. You shouldn’t tell them you understand when you don’t: There is no way to describe the pain that comes with losing your child. Even if you have lost a child, all of our stories are different. You do not know if this is their 1st loss or 3rd. Everyone experiences grief differently. You just can’t understand how they feel no matter how hard you try.
6. you shouldn’t try to compare a loss to someone else’s situation: “I know someone who had 3 losses and now has 2 children”. Hearing this just makes me want to scream, “Good for your friend. I hope I can be that lucky one day but right now I can’t even imagine it.” Also, just because someone else has lost more babies, or were further along, or lost multiples doesn’t mean that this couple shouldn’t grieve as deeply. Yes, it is important to share some stories of hope later on, but timing is important in this situation. This should never be an immediate reaction.
7. “At least you can get pregnant.” I clung to this when I had my first miscarriage because pregnancy in itself is a miracle and so many women cannot even get pregnant. But really, what good is that fact  when your much loved and wanted baby passes. Let me just leave this right here: any statements starting with “at least” are probably going to fall under the “do not say” category.
8. “Everything happens for a reason.” Would you tell this to someone who’s dad died from cancer or child was shot randomly? Probably not. While I cling to the hope that there is more to my story and Ellie Paige’s story, it’s hard to even think of what the reason of losing 3 babies could be. I serve a God that I believe makes no mistakes but this line right here cuts really deep. We all pray it is  true but in the moment it hurts tremendously.
9. “Have you considered adoption?” This one is extremely hurtful. We literally are processing the loss of our baby, the one we prayed so hard for, and now you expect us to think about this? Right now I am grieving the loss of my baby and can’t even begin to think about what our future holds right now…… which will likely not be an easy or inexpensive future.
10. you shouldn’t try to force them to “get over it” too quickly, before they are ready or when their grieving is different than yours. Everyone goes through the stages of grief differently. The loss of a baby is something  I will NEVER get over. I will forever be missing a piece of my heart. I will forever long and wish she was here with me. I can tell you the weeks, days, and minutes that have passed since I last held her. Some days I will be fine and other days the grief and pain will hit me like an 18 wheeler. Just don’t do this….. I will forever be sad and that’s okay. I will learn to live with this pain.

Losing a baby is HARD. It is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever gone through. It’s hard for the men supporting their wives, it’s hard for the family members and friends wanting to love them through the loss. So what is it that you should say. I’ll tell you there isn’t much you can say. “I am so, so sorry for your loss.” It isn’t your job to fix it. It is your job to support us, love us, and accept the new us through it all. I know people mean well, but the above things can just cause more pain, hurt, anger, and confusion. Baby loss is hard, messy, and will never go away. We just learn to live with it and live with the promise that one day we will meet our babies again and tell them how loved they are and were from the moment they were breathed into existence.