Dear Friend,
I miss Ellie Paige EVERY day. Yes, I mean EVERY DAY. Why shouldn’t I? She is my child and I love her more than I could have ever imagined. I use love in present tense because a mother’s love doesn’t require a physical presence. It is an awful feeling to know that I will NEVER hold my daughter on Earth again. I will always love my child, which in return means I will always grieve for my child….and that’s just how it goes.
I get it…. it is hard for someone who hasn’t experienced this magnitude of loss to truly understand my ongoing sadness/grief. Trust me, I do not want anyone to join the group that I am now apart of …the bereaved mothers group. I know you want me to just “get better” or return to the “old me”. It’s important for you to understand that their is no “old me” anymore. There is just a different me. In order for you to support me, you have to accept that I am different…and I will always grieve for Ellie Paige.
I compare my grief to the weather outside. Many days it is unpredictable. Some days may be calm with a little bit of sunshine. Other days are a storm that leaves me feeling angry and sad. On these days I wake up crying and go to bed crying, questioning how I can continue on. Some days I find the true sunshine. Those are the days I can smile and think about my little girl’s perfect nose, her dark hair, and those cute fingers and toes. Now comes the thought of Mother’s Day…. the thought of Sunday coming literally gives me anxiety and fear. While you pray your picnic doesn’t get rained out, I pray that the storm inside of me can stay at bay.
Mother’s Day is bittersweet to me. I am so proud to be Ellie Paige’s mother…and I know I am a mother….but the other part of me, that human part is filled with sadness because I do not get to parent her here on Earth. My heart and soul is not here to celebrate this day with me. Then comes the people who don’t even acknowledge that you are in fact a mother. The ones who are too uncomfortable with your situation and just make you feel forgotten/ignored. That is like taking a knife to the heart. Because there are people who don’t view me as a mother. I have a daughter, I was in labor with her and gave birth to her, I held her, I carried her for 6 months…. Why don’t you consider me a mother? I’ve been left with the comment “You’ll make a great mom one day”. That literally feels like a knife being twisted in my heart and turned 180 degrees. Please friend, don’t make comments like this…they hurt.
Mother’s Day will forever be hard for me…especially this year. It’s my first Mother’s Day without Ellie Paige. I live with an emptiness no one can fill. I may want to be unsocial, I may want to stay in my bed all day, or maybe I just need to take a break and find a quiet spot on that day. Whatever shape my grief takes on that day… please allow me to feel the way I feel. Also, acknowledge me as a mother. It makes me feel like my child and myself are forgotten when you don’t. Don’t be afraid to mention Ellie Paige’s name. It honestly makes me feel so good to hear her name. I LOVE HEARING HER NAME. Your acknowledgment alone is one of the greatest Mother’s Day gifts you could ever give me.
My dear friend, just remember to show patience, love, and grace with me. This journey of grief is never ending and ever changing.
Love,
Your grieving friend
Loving Ellie Paige 