“I’m Sorry That I Let You Down”

Grief can be such a confusing thing.  Some days I feel like I am walking in a complete fog. It is almost like my mind won’t let me think about the fact that Ellie Paige is gone. Other days just suck. So many things in the “outside” world can trigger my grief. I like being at home where I am alone and free to cry and break down whenever I need.

This morning on my way to work a song came on the radio. The song “I’m sorry that I let you down”. Immediately my mind flashed back to March 3. The day that I both love and hate at the same time. The day that I brought my sweet Ellie Paige into this world and held her for the first and last time. The tears started pouring down my face. I couldn’t control the flashback or the tears.  The words from the song replayed in my head over and over again. At that moment the devil got the best of me. I thought about how I had let Ellie Paige down because my body didn’t keep her self like it was supposed to do. I thought about how I let my husband down because he wanted nothing more than to bring our daughter home. I thought about how I had let me family down. They had been anxiously waiting the arrival of a new baby. I cried harder because in that moment I felt like a complete failure.

I had to remind myself that this isn’t my fault. I did everything I could to bring home a healthy baby girl. What happened is not my fault. There is nothing I could’ve done better.  I would have given up anything, including my last breath, just so she could take her first one. Ellie Paige knew nothing but love the entire time she was in my belly. She will never feel pain or heart ache. She knows only pure joy. I have not let her down. Everything I do now is for her. I want nothing more than to leave a legacy for her name. A legacy of love, compassion, and kindness.

To all the heartbroken mommas, if you have lost your baby just remember it isn’t your fault. Your baby was so very loved and wanted. We would’ve done anything in the world to save our babies. DO NOT let the devil bring you down and fill your head with guilt.  You did not let your little one down. Keep getting up every morning and living your life the best way you can for your angel.