I have learned so many things since losing Ellie Paige. Losing her has made me take a closer look at the world and the people in it.
Grief is messy and one thing I have learned is that it changes friendships. There are people that I thought would be beside me who just haven’t been, this includes friends and family members. I thought these people would help hold me up when I was at my lowest… even if it was a simple text daily, a phone call weekly, a planned trip to visit, or just a simple invite to go do something. I thought these people would understand that I NEEDED them. I needed their love, support, and communication far past the week that it happened.
When dealing with grief , you never know who will come through and who will fade away. The only thing for sure is that grief will rearrange your life: RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE.
I have wanted to write about this for some time now but knew that the feelings were still raw and that I held so much anger. I’m still angry but have decided to accept things for what they are and continue moving on.
I guess friends just fade away because they don’t know how to act around you anymore. They don’t know what to do/say or how to even act. I am still me, just a little more broken than before. Perhaps they feel some guilt that they have living children…… or maybe they never realized how much I needed their friendship…or maybe they can’t handle the new me or the change in me. One thing is for certain…these friendships are NOT the same & they NEVER will be again. In the pain of my grief, the loss of friends stung my already broken heart. People I expected to “be there” for me weren’t. It saddened, disappointed and sometimes angered me.
If you feel this way about relationships in your life after loss please know you are not alone. Grief changes relationships. It isn’t anything you did. It isn’t your fault. Be selfish and accept that your relationship has changed and cling to the people who have been beside you 100%. After your baby dies, you don’t have the energy to maintain friendships at that point. You need selfless friends who will hold you up, and keep the friendship going when you are unable at that point in time.
If you are on the other end of the spectrum and are a friend of someone who is going through loss, please understand how important your friendship is to this person in that moment. Check in more than just a week after their loss. The hurt,pain, and grief will last forever but those first few months are so critical. Invite them to do things and get them out of the house. If they don’t want to leave home, then you can go visit them. If you make plans to see them, please don’t forget about them.
If you love them then please call them and drop everything and run to them when you find out they have lost their child.
Loving Ellie Paige 