We attended our “20” week appointment on February 15th. The time had come to confirm that Ellie Paige was healthy and indeed a girl. Prior to that appointment I kept telling myself if I could make it to 20 weeks we were safe… we would be bringing a baby home. I was still scared because we had lost two babies to first trimester miscarriages. The ultrasound tech scanned our baby and told us everything was perfect. She was moving around and kicking so much. She was also stubborn like me and her daddy and wouldn’t cooperate with the tech. I left that appointment feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
Flash forward to 2 weeks later. I went to work that Friday like any normal day. After work me and my husband went and grabbed a sweet treat from the local bakery and headed to Hobby Lobby. We were going to look at nursery decor and I was so excited to find the perfect pieces. I ended up not finding anything I wanted so we headed home. Once home, my world turned upside down. I got out of the car and when I did it was like a water ballon had popped. Water soaked my pants and was running down my legs. I immediately panicked and saw the fear in my husbands eyes.
He rushed me to the hospital while calling my parents and trying to help me remain calm. We walked through the ER department only to be told I had to wait because I was 22 weeks, even after I told them I was positive my water had broken.
While in the back I prayed the hardest I had ever prayed. I begged God to save my angel. 3 hours later we learned that my water had indeed broken and there was nothing they could do.
The pain and shock that filled me is something I will never forget. I was so heartbroken but so angry. It was hard to process. Why was this happening? I was sent to labor and delivery to be prepped to give birth to my daughter. The agony of knowing that I was going to be giving birth to my baby that would not be alive was and still is unbearable.
Labor was induced and the entire time I felt like I was just a shell of my former self. When I was in active labor I remember asking God to take me too. I wasn’t strong enough to do this. How was I supposed to give birth to my baby that I couldn’t take home? The feelings are indescribable. My body had failed my healthy baby and I had no answers as to why, along with unanswered prayers. The birth of Ellie Paige was beautiful but the silence was deafening. I remember thinking this is a mistake, she has to cry.
I held my beautiful little girl in my arms and soaked in the details of her perfect body. Her fingers and toes were perfect. She had my nose. She had hair starting to grow on her head. She was perfect. The next hours were a blur as I was given information on postpartum care and how to deal with grief, etc. We had to make decisions no parent should make. I was asked to pick a funeral home and make plans. It was so overwhelming and I was exhausted. The hardest thing I have ever done was handing my child over to the worker from the funeral home. Watching him leave with my baby killed a part of me that day. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I wish it would’ve been more.
The emotions didn’t stop there; the resentment and anger, sadness and depression, jealousy and envy, despair, questioning my faith, etc. I felt like I had let Ellie Paige down & I had let my husband down. Now that time has passed, I know I didn’t let her down or my husband down. I know I would’ve given my last breath just to see her take her first. I still carry a heavy load of grief and always will. I still deal with so many emotions every day and I pray over time they will ease. It’s so hard to see a baby girl who would be her age. It takes my breath away every time I see a pregnancy announcement or the birth of a baby.
I still feel robbed and cheated of the opportunity for me and Stephen to raise Ellie Paige here on Earth. This is my truth and this is our story.
In honor of Ellie Paige Dungee.
March 3, 2018
Loving Ellie Paige 